One of my Favorites, Part I

It was 1998 and I was living in Austin. I don't remember what kind of conference I was attending, but I remember driving to San Antonio with Sandy and I sat in this dark auditorium and watched Joy Harjo play the saxophone and read from her work. I had never heard any of it before and I loved watching her hands. I can never forget what I head and the way I heard words that night.

"I Give You Back"

"I release you, my beautiful and terrible
fear. I release you. You were my beloved
and hated twin, but now, I don't know you
as myself. I release you with all the
pain I would know at the death of
my children.

You are not my blood anymore.

I give you back to the soldiers
who burned down my home, beheaded my children,
raped and sodomized my brothers and sisters.
I give you back to those who stole the
food from our plates when we were starving.

I release you, fear, because you hold
these scenes in front of me and I was born
with eyes that can never close.

I release you
I release you
I release you
I release you

I am not afraid to be angry.
I am not afraid to rejoice.
I am not afraid to be black.
I am not afraid to be white.
I am not afraid to be hungry.
I am not afraid to be full.
I am not afraid to be hated.
I am not afraid to be loved.

I take myself back, fear.
You are not my shadow any longer.
I won't hold you in my hands.
You can't live in my eyes, my ears, my voice
my belly, or in my heart my heart
my heart   my heart

But come here, fear
I am alive and you are so afraid
                                             of dying."

-- Joy Harjo from "She Had Some Horses."